What Really Happened at the Spencer Estate
by The Werewolf Mage
Summary: A humorous take on what could have really happened when Chris and Jill went to apprehend Spencer. Kplus for old man abuse.


Title: What Really Happened in the Spencer Estate

Summary: A humorous take on what could have really happened when Chris and Jill went to apprehend Spencer.

**Notes: OK, I really don't know where this came from but the ideas just kept churning. It's funny, stupid, and waaay OOC. My favorite part is Wesker and Spencer. Enjoy!**

It was a dark and stormy night as Chris Redfield and Jill Valentine made their way to Ozwell E. Spencer's European estate. Chris was walking ahead, holding the map in front of him. Jill followed behind, wondering why exactly they had not made it to the estate yet. She figured they should have been there an hour ago.

"Chris? Can I see that?" she asked. Chris offered her the map and with a groan she said, "Chris, you've been leading us around in circles!"

"Have not!" Chris said with a pout. "It was more like a triangle."

She shook her head and the two soon found themselves on the front steps of the estate. Chris pressed his finger down on the doorbell. What sounded like fast, bubbly Japanese pop music filled their ears. The two exchanged a look before Jill went to work on the lock.

Once inside they found an empty hall. Jill began to search the area before a few gunshots caught her attention. "Chris? What are you doing?"

"There's this medal thing on the chandelier. I have to hit it! Something is urging me to destroy it!"

Jill sighed and searched the area behind the stairs. She pulled a lever, which unlocked a couple doors upstairs. Together, she and Chris headed up the stairs, keeping an eye open for a boogin. Or some type of thing.

Chris heaved her across a broken part of walkway, which allowed Jill to unlock the downstairs dining hall. Once inside Chris found another shiny medal thing in the clock.

"Stop wasting ammo!"

"Relax Jill. There will be plenty laying around here I'm sure."

She nodded. He had a point. Upon entering another door, going down a hall, and up the stairs, they found a room with a piano. "The Moonlight Sonata?" Chris teased.

Jill glanced at the sheet music and shrieked. "The Flight of the Bumblebee?!" With a groan she started in on the fast-paced song. A part of the wall beside her began to drop. "What's in there?" she asked Chris.

He shot a red sensor on the wall, causing it to drop. The two peeked inside, readying their weapons. Instead of a possible monster, they found quite a treat. The area was filled with cupcakes, candies, brownies, and other assorted baked goods. Hanging above them was a sign. It read: "**OZWELL'S PRIVATE JUNK FOOD STASH. PAWS OFF!!! THAT MEANS YOU ALBERT!"**

"My name's not Albert." Chris said. Jill agreed and so they helped themselves.

Stuffing a few packages of candy in their packs, they headed back into the dining hall. Outside the door, they heard a roar. And then a very large anchor was thrust through the wooden door.

"I guess we shouldn't have eaten all that." Jill whimpered. "Run!"

Back in the main hall the creature apparently decided it was tired of chasing them. It headed back into the dining room, making grumbling noises.

In another hall, they found a room used either for an office or library. Chris realized the computer needed three passwords but could not figure them out.

"Let me try." Jill first tried "Ozwell" and then "E." and lastly "Spencer".

"Doesn't think much of himself does he?" Chris asked as the computer chimed. Another section of wall slide open. The two BSAA operatives stared at this obvious trap.

"You go in." Chris said.

"You go in!" Jill said. 

"Ladies first!"

"Get in there Redfield!"

They began slapping and pushing at each other. "Get – in – there!"

Finally, they scanned the room. "Oh, hey, there's a lever in there." Jill strode into the room, setting off the trap. With a yawn, she reached through a set of steel bars and pulled the lever. The ceiling dropped its descent.

"Whatever works." Chris said with a shrug as Jill grabbed a crank from a wall safe. "Cranks. Heh. You think he'd be original."

"Look who we're talking about."

"Oh yeah!"

Back into the main hall, back behind the stairs, Jill turned the crank, allowing Chris into the basement. He found another crank, and while he was turning it to allow her in, Jill could hear him say "Oh yeah! Turn that crank! I am the CRANK MASTER!"

"Geez, Chris, just let anything know we're coming down here."

"Sorry." Chris looked sheepish.

Quietly they stepped down the hall. They could go no further than a hole. "In you go!" Chris shoved Jill down and then yelled "Catch me!" as he dove after her.

"OOF! I said catch me!"

Jill chuckled to herself, having moved right as she landed. "Sorry, you're on your own Chris."

They were in a jail like part of the basement. Many dead test subjects littered the room. Chris made his way over to one as Jill nibbled a candy bar.

"Hey. Hey mister. Hey. Are you dead?"

"Chris stop poking the body!"

"Sorry. Just making sure he was dead." With that, the "dead" body jumped up and grabbed Chris. Jill kicked it off him and it began to roll feebly on the floor. "Bad dead guy!" Chris began to knife it, and even after it stopped its feeble movements, he continued to knife for a few more minutes.

"It's dead now Chris."

"OK!"

Down in the bowels of this jail area, they encountered another monster. This one burst through a wall. But instead of chasing them, it asked, in a high squeaky voice, "Can I have some candy please?" Jill offered it a chocolate bar. "Thanks lady!" He sat down on the floor, nibbling away.

As Chris and Jill walked off, Chris muttered "Weird."

"Super weird."

They continued on without seeing anything else for a while. As they passed across a rickety wooden walkway, it collapsed, sending them into the sewers.

"Jill, are you OK?"

"Yeah, but I lost my candy!" 

"Me too!" Chris sniffled. "And my gear too."

"Yeah, mine too. And I got a mouthful of that vile water."

"Ew, sewer water!"

"Shut up Chris! I'll find you OK?"

"OK!"

He sat down on a pile of bones and began to wait for Jill. She took little time finding him. They huddled together, trying to come up with a plan.

"I saw another one of those anchor guys. I have no candy to bait him with. What are we going to do?"

"You distract him."

"And you will do what?" Jill asked, wondering what Chris had up his sleeve.

Grinning, Chris said, "Just follow my lead!"

She followed Chris, who somehow managed to find a crank. When she questioned him about it, he said, "I'm the crank master. Wherever there is a crank, I will find it!"

Rolling her eyes, Jill waited while Chris readied his spiked, crank-operated trap. Then she walked up to the anchor carrying beast and said, "Excuse me. Do you have the time?"

It roared and followed her as she led it into Chris's trap. As she slipped out of it, Chris released the crank, dropping the spiked platform on the monster's head. It caused the platform to break, with something shiny sitting in the middle.

Chris hurried to grab it. "Mine!" he shouted.

"I think it goes into that slot." Jill pointed out the area she had spotted while bothering the monster. Chris inserted it and a gate slid open for them. They climbed a ladder and found themselves in a tower.

"Spencer's got to be up ahead."

Jill nodded, silently agreeing with Chris. They hurried to the door and gently pushed it open. What they saw surprised them.

Inside stood Ozwell E. Spencer and Albert Wesker, practicing their chorus line kicks. Wesker heard the door squeak and looked up. "Chris!" he shouted, shoving the old man away from himself.

"My hip!" Spencer yelped.

"Let's do this **ALBEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRT!"**

Chris rushed the blonde man, carefully stepping over the old man on the floor. Wesker was too fast for him and soon stood near the large window, holding Chris in a choke hold.

"I'll save you Chris!" Jill said, running towards the two men. Unfortunately she stumbled over Spencer, tripping herself. As she flailed around for balance, she grabbed Wesker and the two went tumbling out the window.

Chris crawled to the hole that was once a window. He peered over the ledge. "Hey, Jill?" he called, though she was nowhere in sight. "Jill? JILL! YOO-HOO!" He could not see her or Wesker and assumed they had flown away.

_Chris realized later that this would not have looked good on any sort of report, so he made up the story about all the traps, the dead security, the battles with the anchor carriers, and the fight with Wesker. Luckily for him, the BSAA agents believed his made up story._


End file.
